For the past week I've felt so helpless and weak. I just feel so drained physically, mentally, and emotionally...

My body is sore, it hurts to lift things to move quickly. I have a couple bruises, from stupid things that shouldn't bruise me...

My brain isn't functioning as it normally would, I go to work and make stupid little mistakes that I know and should be obvious, but my lack of brain power is overwhelming me. like my brain just shut off

My emotions have gone completely retarded i cant find happiness is anything....like its a dying flashlight that just fades away in the darkness, and the darkness in me is hatred, anger, fear, pain, and sadness. I try to smile and look happy, but its becoming harder and harder each day to keep up this facade

I seriously feel like I'm losing my will power to live...I just keep taking this emotional beating over and over again, and i keep on getting back up, but I cant do it anymore, and i don't wanna do it anymore

I need help.

Ok so lately I'm starting to get this sense that maybe I'm schizophrenic, Like I have two battling personalities fighting to show themselves on the one side I have

Jake Fisher, the nice, funny, out going guy. Who likes to have fun and chit-chat about life, gets along with everyone, and who seems to be eternally immature forever

then on the other side theres

Jake Idol, The hard ass, I don't give a fuck guy. who does and says what he wants regardless of people feelings, and who's pretty much mean and a jackass

I'm not really sure where I developed Jake Idol, but I think i have an idea. and every situation and scenario that comes around via at the moment or in my mind, I start to place these two personalities into them to find out the better outcome. When just being myself would clearly give me the better outcome, but I think I like having Jake Idol inside me. It makes me feel better. It helps me drown out my past, Which prob isn't healthy for me...I dunno maybe this is just my psycho babble again...later

Ok I'm posting this from my sidekick at 6 in the morning, sooo I hope it comes out ok.


Have you ever felt traped in your own feelings and emotions, and thinking to yourself am I right in the way I feel or am I a certified psychopath. Well I think I'm the psychopath, I have so many emotions and feelings that I just don't feel sane anymore. Today at work was especially crazy. I just stood there and stared across the street at the band members before the parade, and I became so overwhelemd with my own emotions I almost broke down, and it wasn't because I missed band or anything...we all know wat it was, so there's no need for me to sound repeatative, but it was so weird, makes me wonder if he ever feels the same, haha prob not, there I go again actin all crazy.

Maybe I'm meant to be all crazy and I should be put into an institution or some crazy shit like it, cause no relationship will ever be good enough for me, but like my aunt says it better to have loved and losts, then to never have loved at all. And being a whore isn't that bad, the reputation doesn't scare me, at least I'll be famous in some way hahaha....

Well I dunno wat else I can ramble about
-Later-

Dear LJ,
Its been awhile, sorry about it. A lot has happened in the past few months. I had a boyfriend, he was clingy...it ended...and he cheated on me twice, but whateve it happens...Ive been working a lot and sleepy, its been fun. I miss all my friends, I havent seen alot of them in a very long time. I've tried numerous times to change that, but one person can only do so much.

I think I need a new job. I really hope Charlette Russe calls me, cause I can do amazing things with cloths. I haven't been to the bar in awhile. Theres to much drama. Youngstowners like need it to survive, ugh its annoying...grow up idiots...

and whats up with this he said she they said bullshit...im sick and tired of it...come on kiddies we're not in high school anymore. and at this point i dont even care about anything....as long as my name doesnt come up I just dont care...sry bout it....

well thats it for now im kinda sleepy...long day at the subway...

later kiddos

xoxo
Jake wants to wear couture

Sooooo im pretty much the biggest jackass on the face of this planet, ive lost contact with two people...and its really emotionally hurting me

First I lost Gary
why?
cause im to much of a chicken shit to act on my emotions...I really did like him, I was just to scared to do anything about it, and now I think its to late, he wont talk to me, or even acknowledge that we were somewhat together, but the one part that really pisses me off about it, was the fact that he basically lied to me about hooking up with people while we were talking...so yet again, i was played as the fool

Then I lost Andrew
why?
because of one drunken mistake...I knew i shouldn't have been drinking that night, and know that I look back on it i really regret it, but some of the things he said to me were sooooooo harsh especially coming from someone who was sober, you'd think that my message would have been meaner cause i was under the influence, but I didn't mean half the things I said. He really is a good person, with a good heart. I just think that some of his priority's are out of whack, and I can't blame him, but that message hurt soooooo bad, I just want him to respect me as a superior, and as a friend, but I think I fucked that up too (like everything else in my life)

I really just want the care-free, joyful, sled down your stairs on a mattress Jake back, but I dont know how to get rid of this arrogant, conceited, hard ass Jake...I feel like I put on this alter ego to protect myself from being hurt again, so i build up this tough guy guard so that my inner sensitive Jake doesn't get give away his heart again, only to get it back it pieces (and the duct tape is running low)

You know that saying when life gives you lemons make lemonade...well I feel like life gave me rotten lemons, and dirty water...

:/

People are sooo confusing (granite that I started the comment volley first) I just hate when I get really confusing responses...like are you telling me that you do miss me, or that your slightly offended by what u typed...or are you missing one toe and 5 fingers...yeah exactly confusing...whatever...im just gonna have to talk it out, and try not to punch him in the face, cause he still wont understand

Dear Live journal,

I apologize for neglecting you like some African child that is covered in flies, I hope you can forgive me...ive been real busy, and we have lots to catch up on.

First being I met a boy a couple weeks ago. His name is Gary, and he just moved here from Beaver Falls, and hes sooo amazingly amazing, and his roommate Dianne is totally bitchin, but anyway Gary isnt usually the type of guy i go for. I usually go for buff manly men, but Gary is an exception...why, because he is so amazingly amazing, and hes adorable and considerate and sweet and respects me and cuddles and kisses and etc... So we've been hanging out alot lately, Thursday night we took a car trip up to Akron to go to the Interbelt, and to be honest i expected that place to be sweet, but meh whateve, we all just wanted to fucking dance...O M G...they had this thing called Akron Idol and it was exactly like real idol, and i was pissed I didn't sign up, but whateve...The whole way home was a very interesting time, a long long conversation on sex and rules of one night stands, ok anyway back to Gary, he has a very mysterious past....ok not really, but it is a very surprising past. I never would've expected it from him, but its chill. The past is the past right. They also have a pretty cool apartment with a three footed cat, it has a little nub and its sooo cute, and I wore Diannes jeans, and they made my butt look AMAZING.

I hope that things go smoothly with Gary, and that certain "things" don't get in the way like they usually do, but I think everything will work out, cause im maturing, and learning to deal with things, and im looking foreward to spending a lot more time with Gary...and Dianne...cause Gary, Dianne, Alyssa, and Me, are like the fabulous four...its pretty fucking bitchin

XoxO
Jake

Sooooo i was suppose to thr movies with Andrew today to see Disturbia, but low and behold he had already went yesterday to see....lets just say I through a fit, he knew perfectly well that we were going to see it a week in advance, maybe if he had told me the night before i wouldnt been that mad...ok i probably still would've been really pissed...so after i got off the phone with i took a shower and cried and threw a huge bitch fit, so after i got out of the shower I called him back and told him to get dressed and we're going for a walk, so on our walk I hammered him with questions...of course he didnt think it was that big of a deal that he blew me off...First off its a big deal cause its you...and second off, even if i just wanted us as friends and he did...id still be pretty pissed, cause things like this will ruin friendships...I'm still really really really pissed off...

Soooo the past view weeks have been real interesting to say the least (and just so everyone knows, this is gonna be one of those Andrew entries)...Andrews been acting real weird lately i dunno what it is with him, he has these days were he be completely cold to me, and the next day we'll be flirtin it up, except the past few weeks his flirt mode had been set to high, at first I didn't think anything of it, but now im like thinking inside, and recently was charity's prom party, and I asked him to be my date, and I was expecting to get long delayed response we're i would eventually like pressure him into being my date, but I got a very quick yeah, and I kinda swallowed like a huge pocket of air, and almost choked, After that I was so excited and so happy that he was gonna be my date, but he shows up at my house in a dress (Jen thought it'd be funny, but i'll get into my thoughts on her later)...so he gets to my house with jen and Phill, and im kinda mad that hes wearing a dress cause I wanted us to match cause it would've looked cute. So then we all migrate downstairs, and im just staring at Andrew like can you please change, but all he had was his regular cloths, so I offered to give him some of my dress cloths, and he was real gun ho about changing for me, so he changed...and for the record I made him look ubber hott...then everyone took their prom pics, we didn't take a normal one cause I thought it wouldve been weird...sooooo I jumped on his back, and it still turned out to be a cute pic...I kinda felt bad cause I was ignoring him most of the night, I mean I didn't know what to do, I would've danced with him, but I didn't wanna make him uncomfortable, then he left kinda early and I was sad...cause I was staring to muster up some courage to see if he wanted to dance...After he left I started to think more and more about the past weeks, and me charity and sami started talking about it, and we all thought that maybe he was ready for a relationship again, but I have this thing were I hate talking about this stuff to him again cause its scares the crap out of me..so I decided a better approach would be to write him a message...well actually it was Tanners idea, and every other gay guy I know online...and im starting to think maybe it wasn't a good idea..well heres I wrote

""OK since I don't know where or how to start this, I'm just gonna ramble, but i hope it all makes sense...I dunno lately things have felt weird, mainly the way you've been acting...I dunno you just seem different not in a bad way though but in a good way. I know you hate when I bring this stuff up, and I definitely hate bringing it up, The thought of confronting you about this over and over terrifies me to the point of tears...but I dunno everything's been building up, and the fact that you agreed to be my date kinda shocked me, but then I don't know if you meant it Jokingly or something else...I've just been getting these weird vibes that your hinting something to me or somethin, and Sami and Charity definitely notice our flirty behavior, and I'm not bringing them up to prove anything, they just approached me after everyone left, and I felt real bad that I didn't dance with you or something, but I didn't know how far to go...cause if your hinting something, im real bad picking up on it, Cause inside im getting two different views on this...the realistic side says that your becoming more comfortable with me, like Phill and Sean are, and then on the fantasy side which I want says hey Andrews becoming more comfortable with me maybe hes ready for a relationship again...everyone keeps telling that they think you are, but my mind is like WTF is real and WTF is not...If your not ready then I'm okay with that, i mean it'll suck cause I spilled my heart out again but im used to it...and if you are ready, then I don't wanna do or say anything that could jeopardize our relationship....Part of me says "jake just let him go" but my heart says "Jake you love him, wait for him"...and Honestly I would wait for you, and I think you know that, I think deep inside yourself you question yourself, and its okay to...I question myself everyday of my life, just please dont let me make the wrong mistake again

and please please please dont let any of this make you mad, or hinder our relationship in any way...cause the last thing I want is for things to be awkward again, or for us not to talk for like 5 months, cause Summer wouldn't be the same without you :/

Well I think thats it, considering it took me like an hour in a half to write all this haha""


I'm thinking maybe I rambled to far or something..I dunno I hate all this plus I have to worry whether or not I can trust people...I have major trust issue...Trust is prob the most important thing to me, and this goes to what i was saying about Jen earlier...I guess it was her idea to put him in a dress, i think she was thing that i thought it would be funny, but clearly I didn't...cause Andrew being my date was really important to me, and I don't think she understands how important Andrew is to me. I guess since what happened back in High school Ive had reservations about trusting Jen, and I think that bothers her....well ya shouldn't have did what you did...and I wouldn't be surprised if she did try something again, if me and Andrew got closer or into a relationship...Maybe I'm just paranoid I dunno

I think i should sit Andrew down and explain everything even if I cry hysterically from fear..imma big boy

Ugggghh I pulled an all nighter...and myspace is being ghey...i'm bored

I'm Over Live Journal, I really don't feel like wasting my time typing about my day, and why things are effed up...i dunno its just all boring

What do you do when the one person that makes you happy doesn't seem to make you happy anymore...I used to feel sooo happy when I was with him, like nothing could go wrong as long as I was in his presence, but lately I haven't been as happy as I normally am when im with him. It kinda scares me, theres so many questions running through my head...Am I ready to let go? What will happen to me? What will happen to him? I'm terrified of losing him, I feel like we've built sooooo much and we've been through sooooo many things together, and I don't know if I'm ready to give that all up. I'm trying real hard not to think of the future, but every time I do I start to have these panic attacks and I just breakdown...I'm suffocating in my own feelings, theres a lot of feelings that I have to keep buried deep inside cause I don't wanna look an immature little kid with an obsession. I hate when people call it an obsession, Until you go through this you'll never know...

I'm tired of fighting off my bitterness towards him, like i have resentment for him of not having the same feelings for me, or not caring that I'm going through things, and its not his fault. I can't make him love me. I have no where else to go, I''m stuck in this little hole that they used to make in Scooby Doo, but I knew the hole was there, but I continued to do it anyway, for my own satisfaction. I think I felt that I would rather be friends with him and know I cant be with him, then not be friends and never see him...I need to figure out what I want, cause obviously my heart and mind want two different...Like I have to choose between the greater of two evils (if thats the right phrase) I hope he can forgive me for everything. Everything has been my fault. If I wasn't such a love struck fool, I wouldn't have ended up so fucked up (haha Hollywood Undead)....



end

So my mom, and her little know-it-all Boyfriend royally pissed me off today at Dinner. Some how we got on the topic of me being gay, and my mom started lecturing me about hot its so dangerous to out to go out to the clubs cause of predators, and how they could take advantage of me...First off there is nobody on this planet that can take advantage of me without my permission, they we're going on and on about I don't understand it, and about how hard it...EXCUSE ME..I only experienced it first hand, and they started to inform me, how I have to think about things like dating younger people (which was aimed towards Andrew) and how Illegal it was...no Shit sherlock's...You think I didn't think about that, and I didn't care i would've risked it....OK heres the best part

My Mom's Boyfriend started telling me about how he knew about mine and Andrews relationship from my mom, and every aspect of it...WHERE THE FUCK DO YOU THAT IDIOTIC NOTION...sorry but you don't anything about our relationship...yeah we only dated for a week, but Ive been through so much with that Kid, then I've been through with like Sami...No one besides me and Him know everything about our relationship...

It really pisses me off, when people try to use Mine and Andrew relationship against me, First off thats Grounds for me to completely Fuck you up, so I would never recommend for people to go there, Plus I prob wouldn't trust you like ever again, its a lot easier to forgive your enemies then it is your friends...you forgive your friends but you don't forget....

blah blah blah....went to some factory to help samis dad with work stuff, we gave out sandwiches...Italian combo or corn beef....it started off slow...real boring...i ate donuts...then some lady started rambling about mice and water and toe nail painting i dunno...then out of no where mass amounts of people came for the sandwiches....ITALIAN...CORN BEEF...ITALIAN...CORN BEEF...ITALIAN...CORN BEEF...i was scared...then we went home at like 60,000 feet or something...there were hills and...star catching....


Came home planned on utopia with Marc...didn't happen...Megan came over and helped me with my itunes issue...then we went for a walk, and got invited to a party by Justin Sfzora...we declined...ummm im 19 and shes 18...and that party was bound to get busted, and im not going to Jail


Tomorrow im suppose to hangout with Andrew...who knows how thats gonna go, im very non excited about it, you think i would be, but nope...i'm like whateve...i'll just end up going over his house, and like sitting there like a timid little mouse all reserved...like a deer in headlights as Meg put it....for some reason i cant act th same over his house as I do when i'm with everyone...when i'm with friends I saw what I want and im very outspoken and goofy, but not at Andrews...i think i'm trying not to say anything that would make his parents hate me even more...like i'm trying to make them accept me again, but why...His mom kinda says things that get to me...i dunno if its sarcasm or like really hates me and says it to be mean, but quite frankly i really don't care...if people wanna judge me on stupid things then so be it, i just don't have to respect you...cause I really only go over to see him, and i don't care what people think of me...but i'm starting to realize and ask why I'm holding on to him...cause I know for a fact that if and when I meet someone else and get into a relationship with them...i would no longer wanna hangout with andrew, but i don't wanna let go...its like im hanging on to a branch over a cliff and the branch has already snapped off, but im still holding on, and falling...i should really talk to him, but I'm tired of bringing up this crap over and over....but whateve, we'll see how it goes tomorrow...if it even happens...

In all honesty i should be venting to live journal right now, but realistically I don't even know where to begin....so I guess thats it

Soooooo i went to phills today, to hangout with Jen and Phill O.- (I swear)
and I was like wow i havnt seen Andrew in awhile, so i was kinda excited to see him again, but when I got there it was different, like I lost all excitement...it seemed like he was more excited to see me (but im prob being delusional)

He seemed more smiley and talkative then usual, and I found it hard to stare at him nowadays and I don't know why, prob cause its hard to stare at his incredible adorableness :P

But i think im just believing something that im making up in my head...i dunno i just dont know what to think about all of it...i like being with him, but then the minute im not with him anymore i start to feel like crap

OK so I'm compiling a list of goals to complete...

1. register and take ACT's
2. Apply for YSU Fall semester
3. Get a job
4. Obtain my fucking license
5. Work my ass off and save money for a trip to LA
6. Scope out the scene of LA for two weeks
7. Tryout for American Idol, while in LA
8. Return to Ohio, and attend College for one year
9. Transfer to UCLA or a college in Cali (hopefully)
10. Move to Cali in the late summer of 2008
11. Start my new life

disclaimer: If I succeed in number 7...Fuck number 8 - 11

Baby come close let me tell you this
In a whisper my heart says you know it too
Baby we both share a secret wish
And you're feeling my love reaching out to you

Timeless
Don’t let it end (no)
Now that you’re right here in my arms where you should stay
Hold tight baby
Timeless
Don’t let it fade out of sight
Just let the moments sweep us both away
Lifting us to where
We both agree
This is timeless love

I see it all baby in your eyes
When you look at me I know I feel it too (yes I do)
So let's sail away and be forever baby
Where the crystal ocean melts into the sky
We shouldn’t let the moment pass
Making me shiver let’s make it last
Why should we lose it don’t ever let me go

Timeless
Baby its timeless
Oh baby its timeless

Timeless
Don’t let it fade out of sight
Just let the moments sweep us both away
Lifting us to where
We both agree
It’s just timeless
It’s just timeless

Love

Soooo everything just seems to go wrong...It seemed like Saturday started out good, then everything just went bad...I was stuck home alone again on a fucking Saturday night...No wonder why im continuing to get sadder and sadder, but that made me wonder, with all this pain, and hurt im feeling turns into anger and rage, and for some reason...im looking forward to it, I like being angry, its fun for me...but anyway, all my Saturday night consisted of was watching Free Willy, and getting pissed off cause I wanted a fucking whale as a friend, cause whales understand things humans can't...well i think they can , i dunno th Indian man in the movie seemed to think so...ok maybe I just need a dog, so I can cry to my dog, and he cant tell me how annoying my whining is, plus dogs are mans best friend, and they know when people are sad....I'm really trying not to use this freaking journal for my in depth stories about how pathetic my life is, and Andrew depresses me, but I don't give a shit...its more entertaining for people if they read my journal and say "wow his life sucks, makes mine ten times better" at least I can do that much for people...i dunno im sure I'll have something to complain and whine about tomorrow...

Well hmmm....I find it hard to use this thing nowadays, especially since ive found alot of drama comes from this thing

I feel like apologies aren't enough, I spent an estimated two years of my life trying to win him over, and I'm losing this race like you wouldn't believe...I've poured enough of my myself into the relationship and I got nothing out of it. I spent way to much time placing him at the top of my important people list, when in reality I'm like on the bottom of his, which is not a good feeling, but I'm starting to slowly realize that with all the other important people in my life i don't have to worry about making him my priority, and trying to fight for his acceptance...which I'm sure this is gonna come off like "oh here we go again Jakes gonna not be friends with him anymore, and in a month he'll apologize" but I don't think it is...I prefer to see it as me not caring anymore....I really just don't care about anything anymore, like I've become some kind of emotionless drone...I blame it on my lack of relationship experience, cause realistically I've been the only one in the group who hasn't had a steady relationship: Jen and Phill are going on like 2 yrs, Sami dated sears for a long time, Meg and Dan dated for awhile, Sean and Laura had a good run, Sarah Lew and Dane, Charity and Mike, even Steve and whats that girls name...then theres me and mt pathetic little week with Andrew, which was all a lie anyway...whens it gonna be my turn, I'm so sick of hearing about everyone else's relationships and how happy they are...well excuse me for not caring...There is nobody in this world that could possibly understand how it feels...so please don't sit there and tell me that you do, when you don't. You don't know how I feel inside...and you couldn't possibly know that deep inside I wish I could be straight, I'm constantly thinking about the day I came out...what if I didn't come out, What if I let Dave have his way with Andrew, and I didn't care, and I never developed feelings for him...What if I never threw that party....What if I never joined Drama...What if I didn't break up with Cortney...What if...I know my friends are there for me, and they do there best help me feel better...but What if I never get better...What if this is the end of my story....theres nothing more out there for me...I wanna forgo college, but that'll end sooo bad with my parents...I just wanna say screw it and move to California, and be a starving artist...but I keep getting the same questions "how you gonna get there","how you gonna afford it"...Well how the fuck am I suppose to know...thats part of my journey, "the journey of self-discovery" as they say...I faced enough crap as it is, why not some more